Mother’s Day

Five years ago I worked every weekends I was scanning her medication when she dropped the frequently asked question in the air, “Do you have any children?” I smiled, “Not unless puppies count.” She laughed, “They do.” I laughed with her, “Then I have two.”

“How about you?” I asked after I had named the litany of medications and began popping them into the small plastic cup. She quickly replied, “Three,” then hesitated for a moment then finished, “three, two living.” I paused for a moment, I let the heaviness of what she had just shared hang heavy in the air. I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. I brought the plastic cup to her, sat down next to her and said, “I’m so sorry,” I paused, “you never forget. My grandma lost her oldest son at two from leukemia and she still thinks about him and that was over sixty years ago.” 


She started to cry and words tumbled out of her. “Two. By two they have a personality, that I can’t imagine.” She started to cry but continued, "I was eighteen, I got pregnant and even though we weren’t married I was so happy. We got married and I moved from Long Island to Kentucky because he was in the service, but then I was riding one day and I started to bleed. I was six months along and I lost her. I didn’t know her personality, but I still remember her, I grieve for her. She was so tiny. We named her and buried her.” I held her hand as she kept crying finally she said, “Oh God. Today is just an emotional day, I’m so sorry, I can’t seem to stop crying about things.” I smiled sadly, squeezed her hand, “Please don’t be sorry and thank you for sharing, I can tell you love all your children so much.”


This morning I’m thinking of my mom, my mother-in-law, and my grandmother and how grateful I am for them and all the women who have mothered me over my life. I have been surrounded by good, kind women my whole life and I am thankful.

And this morning I’m also thinking about;
That lady from Long Island and
All of the women who have lost their mothers. 
All the women who have longed for a mother they didn’t get.
All the women who have lost their children. 
All the women who have children who are lost.
All the women with empty arms that ached to be filled and never were. 
All the women with full arms and still feel a little empty because of a grief that never entirely leaves.

This day is full of joy for some and a day of ache for others, and a day of both for most of us I think.

Life is a juxtaposition of pain and joy, love and grief, all shoring up and slamming against each other. Today is not an exception, if anything what we avoid most days is more clearly seen and felt on days like this, I think.

We all carry something.

I love you all so much, it’s such a gift to be here.
.
You are so brave and I am so glad you’re here.

Happy Mother’s Day 🤍